Kindergarten Readiness- Relationships

Due to COVID-19, most of us have lost access to pre-school and other childcare options that supported our children’s learning. While this is frustrating for students already in school, it is even more nerve wracking for parents of students entering Kindergarten.

Many parents of pre-school aged kids are wondering if their children are on track or falling behind. What are children expected to know when they walk into their first day of Kindergarten? How do we, as parents, make sure they are meeting those expectations?

To help solve this issue, I am starting a series on what kindergartens expect your child to know before they walk in the doors and how you as the parent can support that development.

As always, the first step to solving any problem is to define it. So over the next few weeks, I will be going over the expectations in each of the 4 major developmental domains for this area: social-emotional, language and literacy, math, and English language development (English as a Second Language, ESL). I am taking these standards from the California Preschool Learning Foundations Volume 1. While these are California standards, the rest of the country has similar standards and expectations. In any case, they are a good guideline for us parents.

After I have outlined the standards, I will then post a series of activities you can do with your toddler to help them be ready for school. Those posts will be scaffolded with activities to support earlier learners as well as those about to enter Kindergarten next year.

This week we will be expanding our understanding of social-emotional development to include how the child functions in interpersonal relationships.

What is Social-Emotional Development with regards to Interpersonal Relationships?

Developing healthy interpersonal relationships is a skill many of us struggle with even as adults. Creating a solid foundation for what relationships should look like so children can mimic and start to form their own is paramount. While healthy childhood friendships do not look the same as adult friendships, we do know what to look for to ensure their relationships are appropriate, healthy, and strong.

While children at this age will not be as socially developed as adults, there are social cues and procedures they should understand. These standards are guideposts. Students who can show the behaviors described below are showing signs of being ready for kindergarten when the time comes.

Because nothing happens in a bubble, these skills are scaffolded. We start looking for signs of readiness in the 3.5- 4 year age span, then we look for those skills to have grown in the 4.5-5 year age range. Remember, we start looking for these behaviors at the beginning of the age range, so if your child displays none of them at 3.5 years old or only displays the 4-year-old skills at almost 5 that is okay! They have plenty of time to develop the skills we are looking for.
If your child is a little bit behind, that is okay; that is why the buffer is there. Children have a tendency to develop in leaps in one domain and stagnate in the others. They often rotate through where these great gains are made.

If you are concerned that your child is falling too far behind, consult your doctor. Early intervention is key if there is a problem. The sooner you start intervention, the faster the problem corrects itself, and the less likely it is to turn into a disadvantage later.

One more disclaimer: children all express themselves differently. The examples below are only a few ways children can demonstrate readiness in this domain. Furthermore, readiness is evaluated in the child’s mother tong. So a child who speaks a different language at home should display readiness in that language, but may not display readiness in an English environment.

Relationships With Familiar Adults and Parents At 4 Years Old

At this age, children should feel secure in their relationships and interactions with the adults in their lives. Security in relationships can be seen throughout the day.

In the morning, when getting ready for the day, the child may ask for help when doing complex tasks they can accomplish by themselves. They may ask their parent for help putting on their shoes or buttoning a jacket.

Then at daycare, a child of this age may stick to their parent’s side while they prepare to leave. The child may greet their teacher with a “good morning” or tell them a story that happened over the weekend “we got a new puppy!” When the parent leaves, they may fuss a little but are easily redirected or soothed by the teacher.

Once the child is at school, they are happy to play on the other side of the room from the teacher, but will quickly ask for help if there is a problem. In the event of an injury or some larger source of distress, the child will likely call for their parent or refuse to be comforted except by their favorite teacher. If they are calling for their parents, they are typically reassured when reminded by a teacher or peer that “mom will be back to get you soon”.

By the age of 4, they clearly have a favorite teacher whom they prefer to others in the classroom. If the child needs anything, they will look for their favorite teacher before defaulting to someone else if their favorite teacher is unavailable. When they complete a difficult task like a puzzle or drawing a picture, the child will show their favorite teacher and seek approval; while at the same time avoiding help from other teachers if the task is too difficult. They will often imitate their favorite teacher and be pleased or proud of themselves if their favorite teacher takes an interest in them. If a teacher complements them, they will smile.

When frustrated, the child may still react violently. They may hit or yell at a peer or adult when really upset. When they realize they have overreacted, they will look for the authority in the room to see if their bad behavior was noticed. If the parent or favorite teacher comments on or removes the child for inappropriate behavior, the child may become sad and look to hide.

When the parents come to collect them from school/ daycare, the child will likely run to greet them or show excitement. Once they see their parent, the child will switch from the language used at school to the language used at home, and will often start telling stories about their day. They may want to demonstrate what they learned to do or excitedly show the parents a drawing (or other craft) they made. If the parent has to talk to the teacher, the child has no problem going to the other side of the room or playground to play because they know the parent won’t leave without them.

Beyond school, children interact with a number of adults who are not primary caregivers. These include grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parent’s friends. At this age, children will engage with familiar adults similarly to how they engage with their teachers. They will play with them, tell stories, have conversations that they may or may not initiate, and share artwork with them. In an unfamiliar situation, the child will gravitate toward a parent (if present) or another familiar adult. While the child always prefers the parent’s assistance or reassurance, if they are not present any familiar adult should be able to provide comfort in most cases.

Relationships with peers At 4 Years Old

At 4, children are beginning to develop real friendships. They will play with all the kids in their class, but will gravitate towards one or two they call friends. Friend groups at this age are rarely larger than 3. They know when their friends are there and when they aren’t and will ask for friends by name.

When they are playing with their friends, they will play even more imaginatively than with other peers. The friends may develop their own imaginary worlds, and they will seek their friends out first when coming to school. During meals, group work, or circle time, they will prefer to sit next to and work with their friends. When asked, they will share more easily with a friend than another peer. And they can identify their friends by name: “Susan is my friend.”

Even though they seek out their friends, 4-year-olds play well in large groups. They love playing simple games like duck-duck-goose, follow the leader, and the hokey-pokey. While 4-year-olds love to play these games, they do not feel the need to follow the rules of the games. They may do their own dance or pick multiple people to be the “goose” during duck-duck-goose. That is okay, they are exploring individuality. But they should show you they know what is going to happen with these set games at times. It should be obvious their deviation from the rules is a choice and not the result of confusion.

If the group or family unit go on an adventure like a nature walk or to a museum, the 4-year-old will tend to stay with the group. They will also notice if a peer or adult wanders off and are likely to tell an adult if they don’t see someone.

Because they are exploring relationships and trying to develop empathy at this stage, their pretend play may start to focus on relationships and roles. They will playhouse and model being a mom or dad, or maybe they will playschool and try to be a teacher. When they get frustrated, they may hit their friends, and then get confused when the friend cries. Conversely, they may notice a friend crying and tell a teacher or try to help them.

Children at this age play together, but to an outsider, it often seems accidental. Put a group of 4-year-olds on a beach and they will all start out by playing individually. Soon they notice they are all digging and will gravitate together until they are all digging together. There is no formal agreement to play, it all feels very organic.

Relationships With Familiar Adults and Parents At 5 Years Old

Our 5-year-olds are very interested in cooperating and helping, and their improved impulse control helps them greatly on that front. When they ask for help they will try making that help easy. For example, they may hold their foot out so you can easily tie their shoe or stand still when you are zipping up their coat. They will look to help you wherever they can. Setting the table, feeding the dog, and helping you take care of a younger sibling after which they may assert “I’m a good helper!”

When they have a conflict with a peer or sibling, they are much less likely to hit and much more likely to get either their parent or favorite teacher. Instead of getting frustrated with a puzzle and throwing the pieces (or some other undesirable behavior), they are likely to recognize their frustration and approach a favorite teacher for help. If their favorite teacher is unavailable, they will turn to another trusted adult.

Because they know their primary caregivers will always be back for them, drop-offs at school or friends’ houses should be easy. The child will be excited to go to a function without the parent’s and will run to school, pausing for a quick kiss before they disappear. They may turn and wave before they leave.

Complex conversation with turns is finally on the table. A child could wander up to a group of adults where one is talking about their new puppy and the child could then tell a story about their dog. Unlike earlier ages, 5-year-olds a comfortable initiating conversation with known adults. They may ask their favorite teacher to play, answer a known adult’s question and then follow up with one of their own, or even say “huh” when they didn’t understand a request the first time. With some help, they can also talk be able to talk about upsetting experiences and explain their emotions.

Just like at home, they want to be useful. Children of this age will volunteer to help with setting up new activities. They will endeavor to clean up their activity before the teacher asks, and will follow known routines without much prompting (like washing their hands when they come inside or taking off their coat and putting it away).

In the past, children may have only been excited to share successes with their primary caregivers. But now, they will proudly show off artwork to any known adult expecting a positive response. Don’t worry, they will still seek you out and excitedly show you their art and successes, but now grandma will get art too.

Relationships with peers At 5 Years Old

Friend groups are tightening up now. The child should have only a couple of special friends who’s relationships they have defined. They will regularly ask their friends “are you my friend” and they may have even chosen a best friend. If someone they don’t like tries to join in their games or sit with them, they may deny them. “You can’t sit/ play with us” is a fairly common phrase.

As friendships become more defined, the child’s roll in the friendship does too. If a friend is teased or bullied, a friend will come to their defense. They will share stories of what happened at home and cultivate inside jokes. When imagining scenarios with their friends, each friend will gravitate towards a set roll (child A is always the mommy, child B is always the daddy, etc.). If they try to deviate from these rolls, the other children will enforce the roll “Babies don’t do that! Daddies do that, you are the Baby!”

Their imaginations and understanding of the world are expanding too. In a larger group, they can imagine complex stories with beginning, middles, and ends. Often these stories will try to process potentially scary experiences like going to the doctor or taking a long trip. Children have developed empathy and care about each other. When playing doctor a child may say “I’m sick” and the other children will stop to make sure that the sickness is “just pretend” before continuing to play.

Children no longer play together by accident. A group of 5-year-olds on the beach will invite each other to play. They may assign roles and build something like a sandcastle instead of just digging a hole. If someone comes up with a better or different way to build the sandcastle, the other children will adjust to include those ideas in the plan. At school, when they are attempting something big (building the tallest tower or largest train) they may ask for help from peers and invite them to play.

Their increased impulse control can be seen in everyday interactions within the peer group. 5-year-olds will readily share art supplies like playdough or crayons, and they will wait their turn for them. If everyone is drawing with communal crayons and one child has a crayon they were using close to them, a child will ask for a turn with the crayon instead of just taking it. They will even suggest taking turns without adult intervention.

Gone is the silly 4-year-old who made up their own rules for such games. Now your 5-year-old will usually try to follow the rules of the game and participate with everyone else. Unless the activity is super boring, then their attention will wander and they may start to misbehave.

What Can We Do?

The best thing we can do to foster good and healthy relationships is to expand their world to include all kinds of people. Teachers, peers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. Unfortunately, setting up playdates and visiting grandma aren’t exactly possible now. So what can we do?

Do your best to set up zoom play dates. Encourage turn-taking and making art for the friends you can’t visit. Maybe host an outside playdate with other families who have been staying safe.

Take the time to playgroup games at home. Elmo has several segments of “Elmo says” on youtube, or you could sing the itsy-bitsy spider or hokey-pokey.

When your child is playing with something shareable, do it next to them and share. Also, consider giving them chores and tasks that care for others. Things like feeding the dog, or setting the table.

Read stories with conflict and talk about conflict resolution with your child. Help them process the feelings of the characters and try to help them see all the angles of what is happening in the story.

Also consider using positive discipline. One of the biggest benefits of positive discipline is it helps children process their feelings so they understand them. It also reduces the amount of yelling and scary behavior in adults resulting in more positive adult relationships.

Next week we will continue the series by talking about language acquisition. Follow so you don’t miss anything. Leave a comment below with questions or topic requests. Have a great week!

Related Post