Due to COVID-19, most of us have lost access to pre-school and other childcare options that supported our children’s learning. While this is frustrating for students already in school, it is even more nerve-wracking for parents of students entering Kindergarten.
Many parents of pre-school aged kids are wondering if their children are on track or falling behind. What are children expected to know when they walk into their first day of Kindergarten? How do we, as parents, make sure they are meeting those expectations?
To help solve this issue, I am starting a series on what kindergartens expect your child to know before they walk in the doors and how you as the parent can support that development.
As always, the first step to solving any problem is to define it. So over the next few weeks, I will be going over the expectations in each of the 4 major developmental domains for this area: social-emotional, language and literacy, math, and English language development (English as a Second Language, ESL). I am taking these standards from the California Preschool Learning Foundations Volume 1. While these are California standards, the rest of the country has similar standards and expectations. In any case, they are a good guideline for us parents.
After I have outlined the standards, I will then include a series of activities you can do with your toddler to help them be ready for school (skip to the activities). Those posts will be scaffolded with activities to support earlier learners as well as those about to enter Kindergarten next year.
This week we will be starting with social-emotional development and the child’s sense of self.
What is Social-Emotional Development?
Social-emotional development is all about how your child interacts with themselves and with others around them. It addresses questions like: Can they self regulate? Do they share? Do they understand social cues and hierarchy? Are they defiant? Have they developed empathy?
While children at this age will not be as socially developed as adults, there are social cues and procedures they should understand. These standards are guideposts. Students who can show the behaviors described below are showing signs of being ready for kindergarten when the time comes.
Because nothing happens in a bubble, these skills are scaffolded. We start looking for signs of readiness in the 3.5- 4 year age span, then we look for those skills to have grown in the 4.5-5 year age range. Remember, we start looking for these behaviors at the beginning of the age range, so if your child displays none of them at 3.5 years old or only displays the 4-year-old skills at almost 5 that is okay! They have plenty of time to develop the skills we are looking for.
If your child is a little bit behind, that is okay; that is why the buffer is there. Children have a tendency to develop in leaps in one domain and stagnate in the others. They often rotate through where these great gains are made.
If you are concerned that your child is falling too far behind, consult your doctor. Early intervention is key if there is a problem. The sooner you start intervention, the faster the problem corrects itself, and the less likely it is to turn into a disadvantage later.
One more disclaimer: children all express themselves differently. The examples below are only a few ways children can demonstrate readiness in this domain. Furthermore, readiness is evaluated in the child’s mother tong. So a child who speaks a different language at home should display readiness in that language, but may not display readiness in an English environment.
Sense of Self
4 Years Old
At around 4 years old, most children should be able to describe their physical characteristics and abilities in a positive way but are unlikely to compare their abilities and characteristics to others. Because they are very aware of their abilities, you may often hear them demand to “do it” themselves followed by an exclamation of “I did it!” after successful completion of a task. Children of this age seek approval for feats they find difficult and are aware of their own likes and dislikes. You will hear a lot of “Mom, look!” as they seek approval for a job well done or “I like pizza,” as they assert their own personalities.
If an adult, especially a close adult, shows disappointment or does not react in a way the child expects, they are likely to show disappointment and may sulk. In addition to disappointment, the child should display a range of feelings including happy, sad, and angry as well as being able to communicate what caused them.
Because the child is very engaged in understanding their capabilities, they become engrossed in learning opportunities. They are thirsty for knowledge and will show interest in multiple activities in the classroom or at home. It should be easy most of the time to call the child over to help or learn a new activity. For particularly difficult tasks, they may walk away and come back to the task later; in fact, they may start many different difficult tasks and not actually finish them. As tasks and situations get more complex, the question “why” may make frequent appearances.
5 Years Old
At 5 years old, children are making comparisons at a whole new level. They are now able to compare specific attributes. For example, they may point out that their best friend is better at the monkey bars than they are, or that they can climb up the slide faster than their sister. When running a race, they may say “I am faster than you!” They can even make comparisons against time: “Last week I couldn’t jump off the diving board like that!”
From a communication perspective, they are getting good at asserting themselves. After trying a difficult problem and failing, they don’t hesitate to ask for help. When working or playing with friends, they can offer up a different way to do something. For example, they may suggest going down the slide on their stomachs or in a group or come up with new and creative sandcastle designs. When asked what they are doing, they may even say “I’m playing with my doll and I’m going to build her a house out of blocks.” And they feel comfortable initiating a conversation with an adult on a topic they find enjoyable.
They are still information sponges. They will work hard on trying to solve problems, even when they are too difficult. To them, everything is worth a try and they can work very hard on something that interests them. They will imitate peers, and bring in knowledge they have learned in different settings to try to solve problems. When they finally succeed at a difficult task, they may smile or do a victory dance and then look to an adult for approval. If they don’t get the response from the adult that they wanted, they may be disappointed or discouraged.
It is also normal at this age for children to seek out a little alone time. They may retreat to their rooms for short periods of time or hide in a playhouse or tent. When asked, they can tell you they just want some time by themselves.
Empathy
4 Years Old
Children at this age are just developing empathy and will show they understand what people in distress need. They will seek help and let you know vital information like “Tommy fell. He is crying.” However, if they don’t see a direct cause for distress, they won’t necessarily understand why a person is distressed and may ask questions to attempt to learn what caused the distress in the first place.
As they work to develop empathy, they may mimic other’s emotions. If you are sad, they may frown or pout; when you are happy, they may smile or giggle. They may try to use dolls or toys to enact emotional scenarios (like a hungry baby crying) or want to use other’s wheelchairs, crutches, or glasses in an attempt to understand problems and their solutions.
For direct causes, children may be able to identify and communicate why someone is upset. If a loud noise scares a younger child, they may be able to approach an adult and ask them to make the noise stop. If a peer loses a toy or fails at a task, they may understand why their peer is mad. In a direct situation, like when a peer loses a toy, the child will try to get the toy back and then ask if they “feel better.” Or they may notice when someone really likes something and seek to give it to them, like bringing the class pet a treat or insisting on leaving carrots for Rudolf. At the same time, if someone tries to take a toy they may meltdown or aggressively declare “mine!”
As they try to develop empathy, they are also starting to compare people and notice their differences. They may notice that boys and girls have physical differences, or comment on a classmate’s eating habits or clothing choices. As they notice physical differences, they will begin to understand that people can have different feelings to theirs.
5 Years Old
Our 5-year old’s empathy muscles are really flexing. They may ask a younger child why they are crying and comfort them, get a bandage for a friend who fell or water for a friend who is coughing. A sad friend may be bribed into happiness with a favorite book or activity, and they may stick up for a friend who is being teased.
They have an ever-growing vocabulary to express what they and others feel and are able to identify more complex emotions like disappointment or anticipation. You can hear them use this vocabulary to extrapolate what people are thinking or feeling. For example, if asked why a friend was crying, they may reply “Sandy thought she lost her bear so she was sad.” And they can describe which peers are nice, mean, or funny. Pretend play is often used to explore these complex emotions and situations with peers.
One of the newer skills the child is developing is deception. They may lie about inappropriate behavior, or mask their emotions during a board game. When faced with something they fear in a strange environment, they may wear a calm or neutral expression. If they are afraid of a story, however, they may comfort themselves by repeating “It’s just pretend”.
Because they can now understand what others think and feel, they are also very concerned with fairness. If something is unfair, they will let you know, even if the situation doesn’t affect them.
Self-Regulation
4 Years Old
At this age, your child should know the house rules, but may not be able to follow them 100% of the time. They will still compulsively do things they know they shouldn’t but will quickly stop the action with a reminder or gentle correction. A simple “should you be doing that” can easily stop the child who is jumping on the bed or a “please write on the paper” will turn the crayon away from the wall.
They also understand the routine and find it easy to follow wherever they are. Transitions both at school and at home are fairly easy, and they understand what is expected of them during the transition. For example, if you call dinner, the child will know they are expected to wash their hands and then come to the table; or if you come inside from playing they should know to take off their shoes and coat and put them away.
This is the age when children begin to code-switch (act differently in different places). Inside voice and outside voice may finally be observed as the child (mostly) starts speaking inside and screaming outside. They may begin to act differently in school, at home, or at grandma’s house as they begin to understand that different places have different rules. Since this is something they are still learning, they may need reminders of the different sets of rules.
Sharing is still a difficulty. They may lose it when a peer tries to take a toy, but with some coaxing, they should be able to share. Once they are giving someone else a turn with the toy, they may have trouble waiting for their turn. If the child is upset, they are happy to receive comfort from any trusted adult, not just mom and dad.
When they are working on a task, they can be easily distracted by other children. They want to be involved in everything and may have trouble focusing if other things are going on in the room.
5 Years Old
As they reach 5 years old, children should be able to regulate their attention and impulses more consistently. Tantrums should be few and far between and have more complex causes than when they were 3 or 4. In fact, children at this age may attempt not to cry after small falls. Often, instead of crying when something falls or breaks they may clean it up or get an adult for help without prompting. And if they are experiencing difficulty with a peer, they will seek out an adult to mediate instead of yelling or throwing tantrums.
At this point, they are usually able to focus on a single task without prompting even when in a busy room. They are also good at sharing, often offering to share without prompting. In the event that the child does not want to share (or do another activity) they can articulate why with prompting. For example, a child might declare “NO!” when another child asks to share a favored toy. If asked by an adult “why don’t you want to share?” the child should be able to respond with something like “This is my special toy. It makes me feel good. You can play with this toy.” Or “It makes me mad when you take toys out of my hand.”
Where there is an established routine, a 5-year-old should anticipate the transition. After breakfast, they may take their plate to the sink and go put on their shoes without prompting. Or they may clean up before you announce bedtime. You could hear them even explain the transition to a younger sibling (After breakfast we go to school. Let me show you how to put on your shoes.). In general, they may begin to clean up as they go to make transitions easier. After reading a book, they may put it away; and after playing with a toy, they may clean up before moving to the next activity.
At 5 a child should have strategies for waiting. Maybe they play a game or go distract themselves with a toy, but they can wait when asked to. And speaking of games, they should be able to play games like Simon says or red light green light.
Activities to Encourage a Sense of Self
We are all stuck inside because of the pandemic, so many of the ways we would usually use to improve our child’s sense of self are unavailable to us. The best thing we could do, in normal circumstances, is to arrange as many play-dates in different locations as we can. Obviously, that isn’t possible right now, and zoom can only do so much. Luckily, there are still things we can do.
You can start by reading and watching stories. As the characters encounter difficulties, ask what your child thinks the character feels and why. Listen to them and gently suggest alternative explanations if they are way off base. You can also point out differences and similarities between the characters and their abilities.
Play games and sing songs that involve mimicry and following cues. Red light-green light, Simon says, the itsy-bitsy spider, hokey pokey, musical chairs, and freeze tag are all good options.
Encourage the child to take care of others. Give them the job of feeding the dog, getting water for a younger sibling, or setting and clearing the table. And teach them to clean up after their messes. And encourage, but don’t push, sharing.
For younger children, we can narrate emotions and tasks in a way that includes feelings. “The dog doesn’t like it when you hit her. It hurts her feelings. You can’t do that.” Or “I see you are mad mad mad because you can’t go outside. It is too hot outside right now, mommy is sad we can’t go out too.”
Above all, keeping a consistent rhythm of the day is essential. Create little rituals where the same thing happens, in the same way, each time you do it. If you are coming inside, the shoes and outerwear come off and then the child washes their hands and gets some water, or we brush our teeth and then read a story before bed. Using rituals during transitions makes them easy to remember and keeps the schedule flexible so you don’t have to keep to a rigid routine.
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