Tips for Postpartum Sex

Whether it has been 6 weeks or 6 months since you last had sex with your partner, getting back in the sack can be a daunting prospect. After all, last time you had sex you hadn’t pushed the equivelent of a bowling ball through a small piece of your anatomy.

Even if you had a C-section (I did), your body has still gone through a huge ordiel. Abdominal surgery is no joke, and can take longer to recover from than a vaginal birth. That includes sex.

So what practical steps can you do to restart your sex life? Here are 7 tips for getting back in the sack:

Take care of your body first

First, get the “all clear” from your doctor. Having sex before then could cause complications and lengthen healing time (or worse). Don’t do anything without your doctor’s permission.

When you are getting the “all clear” get a full gyno exam. Listen, I had a C-Section, and the 6 week checkup was literally the doc checking my incision site and declaring me good to go. Insist on a full exam. If the gyno won’t give you one, go to your family doctor and then get a new gyno. Yeast infections are common postpartum, as are other issues that can only be detected with a full exam. Trust me, a yeast infection will not help you get back in the sack.

Understand what your body is doing and why

Your libido might not fully come back until you are finished breastfeeding. When breastfeeding, the body is trying to prevent a pregnancy so it can heal. The best way not to get pregnant (from an evolutionary standpoint) is to not have sex. Lower libido is often a side effect of breastfeeding. Your libido might not come back until a few months after breastfeeding has stopped.

Remember to use lots of lube. It could be a while before you are producing enough mucus down there to make things go smoothly, especially if you are breastfeeding. When in doubt, more lube.

Take a nap before sex. When we are sleep deprived (the very definition of parenthood) the body starts to prioritize sleep over sex, and sometimes even food. If both you and your partner are exhausted, sex is just not going to be a high priority. Sex is much more likely to happen if both parties are well rested.

Know what you are getting into

It will be painful the first time… and the second… and the third…

Your body just gave birth. You are healing from an internal wound the size of a paper plate. And that is just from the placenta. You could have vaginal tearing or a belly cut on top of that. And, if you had a vaginal birth, your vagina was just stretched to capacity at least. Everything will be sensitive, sore, and swollen including any new scars.

If you sprain your knee or break your arm, you don’t expect your first unsupported workout to be easy or pain free. A sprain is easy compared to what your body just went through. This will be tough.

But, like with a sprain, you don’t want to push through. This is not a “no pain, no gain” kind of situation. If it hurts a little, try more lube. If it hurts a lot, stop.

Don’t try to follow a strict timeline. Your body will tell you when it is ready. If it isn’t ready, wait a bit (like a month) then try again.

Take care of your mental health

Be kind to yourself. Getting nervous about how you aren’t having sex doesn’t help anyone. And it certainly doesn’t help you heal. If you have been doing sitz baths, or other self care, keep doing it until you feel better not when the doctor thinks you ought to feel better.

Communicate. Communicate with your husband or partner, with your doctor, with your support systems. Ask questions. Be honest. Have the conversation you have been needing to have with someone, even if that someone is on the internet. You deserve to be heard and have your fears and frustrations addressed.

Depression and chronic stress have a tendency to decrease libido. If you are struggling with either, talk with someone. If you can’t afford a mental health professional, confide in your partner. But don’t let depression or stress fester. Do what you can to get rid of it.

Make time

Schedule sex. At least in the beginning. The stress of a new baby is immense, and libido is heavily affected by stress. Your libido is not the only one that will drop.

Non-birth partners, do what you can to help keep the house together and your significant other’s to-do list short on sex days. Nothing kills amorous feelings faster than 3 days of dishes and two weeks of laundry. You want their mind to be focused on you and not the to-do list.

But, let’s be honest, the to-do list never really ends. It just gets longer. So on sex days, make sex a priority.

Go back to the beginning

Remember when you just got together? Before sex was on the table? What did you do?

Try recreating those moments. Ease into things, don’t just go for the main event. Start with kissing (you remember kissing?). Make out like teenagers for a while to keep the romance up. If sex doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.

Do everything but. Oral is still on the table, as are other games. And cuddling after a long day is just as restorative as it used to be. Make a point to maintain physical closeness in other ways while the main event is on hold.

Don’t neglect romance. Sure you don’t have the time to do quite as much in this department as you used to, but small gestures go a long way. A boquet of flowers, a surprise favorite dinner, turning off the tv and re-creating dates of years past in the living room, or random dancing are all ways to keep the romance alive.

While you have scheduled time for sex, let the actual act happen organically, and stop if it is too much. Remember, this is for you and your partner. Society is never going to know or care when you started having sex again.

Don’t give up

No, it isn’t easy to get back at it. Yes, it is painful at the beginning. But none of that matters. Some day sex will be fun again. But only if you don’t give up.

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